Parenting, an essential human activity, has seen several rapid changes and resulted in varying trends which are influenced by current events, and these trends are becoming widespread due to increasing global connectivity. The Self Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance by Polly Young-Eisendrath is written basically for parents. At the time of publishing, the author was a Clinical Associate Professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of Vermont. She has written several highly acclaimed books, many of which include her insights derived from Buddhism and other religious traditions.
The book is a very useful read for parents and teachers. In schools where conversations hold an integral role in the educational endeavour, it further provides a language and guidance to teachers, while conversing with children as well as with parents. The book helps us to see some of the issues that we face, to articulate our understanding to ourselves as well as others, and to find ways to address some of the issues. Though written in the lived context of North America, it has significant relevance to all who are engaged in raising the young.
The need for and relevance of a work such as this is aptly expressed in the blurb as follows:
Today’s kids have heard how special they are from the moment they entered this world. A generation of parenting advice aimed at instilling self-esteem has unfortunately had quite a different outcome—children who:
- lack a clear sense of value or perspective
- pressure themselves constantly to be or to have the best
- are excessively self-conscious
- fear failure and are therefore afraid to take risks
- are hopeless about the future
- feel dissatisfaction with even the most desirable lives
The chapters have thought-provoking titles, such as: ‘The Trouble with Being Special’, ‘The Importance of Adversity’ and ‘The Value of Being Ordinary’.
The author’s introduction dwells on her responses to the various difficulties that young people as well as adults seem to be facing and the confusions that arise in their minds with regard to relationships and the world of work. She draws on her experience as a psychotherapist, her knowledge of human development, her experience as a parent, and from contemporary psychology theory. She specifically mentions a sociological study conducted and published in 1985, called Habits of the Heart: Individualism and Commitment in American Life. The problems caused by individualism were being talked about even as individualism was being propagated at the same time. An excerpt from this study relates to our work in the Krishnamurti schools with regard to self-knowledge, relationships and the place of an individual in the world of humans:
We find ourselves, not independently of other people and institutions, but through them. We never get to the bottom of ourselves on our own. We discover who we are face to face and side by side with others in work, love, and learning. All of our activity goes on in relationships, groups, associations, and communities ordered by institutional structures and interpreted by cultural patterns of meaning. Our individualism is itself one such pattern.
The author traces the history of the social context which overly emphasized individual achievements and expectations. She describes the times and parenting styles of those generations, highlighting the resultant problems in an empathetic and well-researched manner.
The first chapter emphasizes the genesis and development of an entity we recognize as the self. It is acknowledged as a fundamental, normal, and inevitable process. Further on comes the question of self-esteem, understanding its complex nature.
Good self-esteem comes from actual accomplishments and relationships; it is the by-product of doing some things well, accepting your limitations (when you need help from others) and seeing the good consequences of your own influences.
She considers some parenting practices that might create an unrealistic sense of self leading to a heightened sense of self-importance. Too much approval and enthusiasm for every small action, or effusive praise for every single task that is an ordinary part of day-to-day life, may be problematic. As children grow in such an environment, they may lose the capability of assessing themselves in relation to others and may end up with an exaggerated sense of a special and unique self, separate from others. Children may never make the valuable discovery of the underlying connection of being human, of the deep bedrock of similarity in the conditions of life. Realistic and compassionate responses in relationships may therefore be difficult to arrive at.
Adversities in the course of life are an integral, inherent and predictable part of living. Through adversity, adults can help a young person understand an unsettling experience, deal with the resultant discomfort and come to a sensible resolution.
Overcoming adversity and learning from difficulty teach us about suffering, both our own and others. They also pare down the special self, showing us that often we are not in control of our circumstances, but only (and imperfectly) of our own behaviour. Reducing self-blame and keeping faith in ourselves when everything seems to be going against our wishes or desires will allow us to climb out of the self-esteem trap, developing greater empathy and compassion for ourselves and others. We begin to understand through our own experience how people always and everywhere struggle with the demands that face them and are frequently thrown off centre in the process.
The next chapter moves on to nurturing and cultivating a mind that leads to right action. In the quest to be the special and extraordinary one, many individuals resort to unfair means to attain success and then justify their actions. Many other tendencies, such as a feeling of entitlement and privilege, come into play along with easy justifications for cheating or lying. The example below illustrates how an adult could converse with very young children in this area.
Look for opportunities to cultivate an awareness of interdependence—of all the ways we are dependent on others—and gratitude for what others provide us. For instance, in eating with a child, speak often and with interest about all that has gone into bringing food to the table. Start with the insects and the soil and follow all the many transformations that take place (through people and other creatures) until the food reaches the table…Then it becomes natural to feel gratitude to those whose toil is of such benefit, and a deep sadness in wasting food; it wastes the work of so many. There are dozens of resources that we use every day that connect us to others who are invisible but essential. Tell those stories to your child.
Adults must create an environment for the development of autonomy and emotional maturity that carries the child into adolescence. When a child grows up without a sensible and caring way of assessing herself and her place among others, it may lead to a fear of failure and a sense of shame, and this in turn could lead to a sense of depression. In the course of growing up, a child needs to see how, as families and groups, we are essentially interdependent. Seeing how groups cooperate, collaborate, and respect each other in living together could probably help them find their own place and role in human society. The pressure to be the first, the best or the most successful may be effectively diffused, which may help create a healthy sense of being ‘ordinary’.
We realize the value of being ordinary through understanding how our lives are influenced by other people, the environment and our inner selves. So, being a part of, and not apart from others is what seems to create emotional intelligence as well as true autonomy. How is this to be done? The author draws from various religious traditions, reinterpreting words that have acquired certain connotations, such as generosity, discipline, patience, diligence, concentration, and wisdom, and recommends them as mindful exercises. Put this way, it provides innumerable opportunities for creative ways in which we can build an atmosphere that would have all the above qualities.
‘Religion and Reverence’, ‘Love and It’s Near Enemy’, and ‘The Truth About Happiness’ are chapters that unravel the meaning of religion, love and happiness. Religion is regarded as a quest to go deeply into finding out what is real.
Wanting to find out what is real on a deeper level is the best reason to turn to religion. Like science, religion answers questions about powers, meaning, and connections that underpin our lives, focusing especially on moral, ethical, relational, and existential issues… I want to make clear that by using the term ‘religion’, I do not mean a creed or even an organization of people. Rather I mean a careful and serious attitude about matters of transcendence. By transcendence I mean those feelings that break through the limits of our personal self and identity, conveying a connection to the source of our being.
She mentions how the idealization of children, which parents inadvertently do, is not true love. Often, with all good intentions, idealization is seen as a tool to encourage or motivate a child, but some of the ‘negative’ aspects of such a practice are not realised or attended to. The author explains how an unhealthy dependency or attachment is created and how as parents and teachers we could avoid this. To distinguish between mere attachment and healthy bonding is an important discernment to make, for parents and teachers alike. It is also relevant to all relationships in our lives as adults. Several anecdotes, case studies, and descriptions are given to explain what love is or is not.
Most of us think of love in terms of comfort, passion, closeness, or beauty it will bring us. We imagine the enjoyment of passing hours and days with our beloved who pleases us in touch, smell and conversation. Perhaps we even think of living happily ever after. Unfortunately, this is not love but its intoxicating sibling, idealization…
The special self is the creation of idealization. Exceptional, extraordinary, perfect: these are not the descriptions of any real human being, a person with weaknesses as well as strengths. If we have heard repeatedly how talented, beautiful, smart or promising we are, we may grow up with an intolerance for weakness and difficulty in others, and a greater intolerance for imperfections in ourselves. Within such a self- esteem trap we are unable to connect with others or embrace ourselves in the messy difficult ambivalence of love.
Happiness seems to be a feeling that comes to people when they grow up with a realistic picture of who they are, an acceptance of it, and being a part of a community built on affection, trust, collaboration, and cooperation.
In schools inspired by J Krishnamurti’s teachings, there has always been an endeavour to understand the self and, more importantly, the self in relation to the world. The ambience that is carefully created is based on a core principle of the teachings, which is that comparison inevitably leads to competition, which is inherently destructive for the wholesome and healthful growth of a child. The attempt is to observe children, understand how they learn and, in K’s words, help them “flower in goodness.” How is this to be done? Having been a teacher in a Krishnamurti school for many decades, this question has been challenging yet deeply revelatory. I was not alone but in the company of a group of individuals, parents included, seriously and happily engaged in educating and caring for children. The academic part of the experience at school is only one among many other programmes for a child as well as a parent. There are several opportunities for students, teachers and parents to come together and converse on various topics that are of concern to an individual as well as to the world around us.
There are myriad ways in which a child can experience being part of a community at The School, KFI. The day, week and year are punctuated with activities that foster interdependence, cooperation, collaboration and learning about the world around us. Some of these are: having meals together; cleaning and taking care of classrooms; and older students actively helping the juniors during the junior school events such as their Sports Day or Parents’ Day. Conversations happen through various formats such as circle time, culture class and open houses where students come together to reflect upon many issues of concern or to explore the role of the self in relation to others. Field trips go a long way in enhancing their academic learning related to specific subjects such as history, geography, environmental studies. Trips in middle school are planned to places where they are challenged to explore their physical capabilities. All these trips provide the opportunity to learn about oneself, one’s classmates and people living in different places in different ways.
In working towards all of the above, teachers and parents need to come together and work with care, affection and an awareness of the innate responsibility needed in raising the young. It seems rather overwhelming and arduous but it is also a journey that is joyous, fulfilling and may offer glimpses of ‘love and compassion’ when undertaken with a spirit of empathy and understanding. Our schools are indeed a way to translate many of the insights contained in this gem of a book.